The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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