so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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