My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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