hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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