nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
