Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
