um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
