Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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