Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
