I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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