The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
