true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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