how can u be prego again
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
