just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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