I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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