Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
