Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is Oprah even human
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
