Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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