I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
