I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
