my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
