Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
