Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
