So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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