who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
