just come out here and I will go home with you...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
