Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
