I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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