Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
