Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
