I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They took my balls.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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