He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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