sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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