Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We left an ass print on the piano.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
