i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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