It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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