I have demons in me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
