did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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