you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
