Too much gin, very little bucket
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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