Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
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