I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
