i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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