My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
