WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
