Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
