Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
