She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
