my mouth tastes like poor choices
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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