dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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